I’m the fairest thing that ever happened to you. I know because I once saw the whole thing.  You could say I asked for it.

“God,” I began

I was centered in sigil. My spine was straight, although I usually slouch. I usually admonish myself for taking up too much space on my couch even alone, even in privacy, I shrink. This evening was different. I felt propped by something and sitting up, I was breathing softly with intention. The gasping I am used to transmuted into long, deep inhales; long, thrumming exhales. That night, I remember even my elbows felt soft. They smelled like cherry blossom. I was melting; suffused with the moonstone resting on my lap, becoming waxing crescent. I was becoming spring. Dust around me tickled my shoulders to remind me: Breathe. I immediately became breath. The room rocked like a cradle swathed in a gentle nightlight and I was enveloped in protection. Call the dust what you want, the noise what you want: bats, demons, guides, saints, Lilith and her coven, they were there that night using my forearms, using my hands, using my throat to sing. My diaphragm rose and fell with ease. God. I asked for breath. Breathe. I became breath. I became nestled in large silk strands.

“God,” I waited and then started again.

I let the fire in my chest build with each name I said until I could feel the slow burning rise to full flame. I waited until I could feel the full pounding of the floor dropping out. I waited until I knew who to ask for; until I heard someone say it.
“God,” I started again, and let it be known I was not in fear, I was not shaking.  “Whose answered prayer am I?”

You only enter with one affirmation. You only enter with perfect love and perfect trust or you do not enter us. I waited until I heard YES! from a near distance before I made my way to us.


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