the first thing to go
is emotion.
you cannot survive harsh conditions
and also be struggling with
some kind of emotion,
trying to name the fluid
mood swing, you needed to 

think          snap out of it.
it was easier to manage the complicated
process via fable.
but
it was not easy to communicate
any needs, wants, or inner
desires.
the first thing to go is
emotion.
you cannot survive a gun attack
if you’re hysterical.

that’s what I think walking to the El.
picturing several different
ways it would look to be attacked
by a man with a gun.
I cannot pass up cravings.

I am on my fourth cup of coffee
running through all of the scenarios
in which I will die
and planning my escape route for
each one,
and having zero emotion
or hope.
the second is hope.
to go I mean.

the second thing to go is
hope.

“third wave (grief)”

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