He calls to me: “see what comes from the reconciliation.”

“I let grass grow over everything you do.”

here is the hardest sentence ever written:

body dysmorphic disorder and an eating disorder under the large umbrella of an anxiety disorder that is mostly categorized as OCD that was masked by dissociative daydreaming which caused me to drink heavily and binge eat to help escape the fact that I was both anxious and escaping (when i wasnt starving myself, counting calories or obsessively going to gym)which led to depression which is increased in the winter and created chronic suicidal ideation because i felt like no one listened understood my peculiar rituals and ocd and then led to a severe psychosomatic disorder that manifests many hypochondriac ways but most recently, globus hystericus, which means I don’t eat because I will choke to death and die and somehow bringing it all to surface in one giant flood means we finally we got to the bottom of it: all that trauma that started in childhood. ah, freedom.

the act of naming things, but get to the bottom of it

maladaptive daydreaming hid me from my monster. I dissociated to escape:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder/Body Dysmorphic Disorder

• Having things symmetrical or in a perfect order–everything has to be perfect

• Ordering and arranging things in a particular, precise way–has to make sense in order, the right numbered order or we have to start over.
• Repeatedly checking on things, such as repeatedly checking to see if the door is locked or that the oven is off–repeatedly making lists, repeatedly going over lists, telling myself the same list
• Compulsive counting–compulsively checking the time, needing to know what time it is, needing to know the minutes are passing
• Excessive cleaning and/or handwashing—overshowering, constantly looking at dirty apartment, “my dishes are never clean” “nothing is clean” I don’t want to clean.
• Obsessively touching stomach to feel if it is skinnier
• obsessively pulling up shirt to look at stomach
• obsessively thinking about stomach
• if stomach is perfect it is the right order, things are right, correct.
  • cannot look in mirrors or obsessively look in mirrors
  • controlled eating
  • obsessive exercise
  • binge eating
  • eating does not bring joy, stressful, now I have globus hystericus and think I will choke if i eat
  • I have to stand up drink water so I dont choke, say mantra.
  • “Another person, refusing to eat because of an obsession about choking or contamination, may become extremely thin and develop medical complications.”

• Can’t control his or her thoughts or behaviors, even when those thoughts or behaviors are recognized as excessive–constant
• Spends at least 1 hour a day on these thoughts or behaviors–constant state of ritual
• Doesn’t get pleasure when performing the behaviors or rituals, but may feel brief relief from the anxiety the thoughts cause–constant obsession with lists, order, everything is right. if things are right, no one dies. I won’t hurt myself or others if things are right.
• Experiences significant problems in their daily life due to these thoughts or behaviors

Some individuals with OCD also have a tic disorder. Motor tics are sudden, brief, repetitive movements, such as eye blinking and other eye movements, facial grimacing, shoulder shrugging, and head or shoulder jerking.—constant teeth grinding, constantly playing with a straw, moving hands, nodding.

When their distress gets overwhelming, people with OCD will often engage in compulsions: repetitive activities aimed at getting rid of distress and regaining a sense of control. Compulsions develop over time, and sometimes they have nothing obvious in common with the content of the obsession. Anything that relieves distress is reinforcing, which means it’s going to seem more appealing the next time that distress shows up.

–the straw is the repeated behavior that I use. I pick up the straw and clench my jaw and pace and have the obsessive thoughts. I then spiral in the obsession and compulsion which is why I go on long walks so I can act out without it seeming too dangerous.

Drinking to numb the anxiety:

Symptoms may come and go, ease over time, or worsen. People with OCD may try to help themselves by avoiding situations that trigger their obsessions, or they may use alcohol or drugs to calm themselves.

I have OCD. that is what I am healing this year.  if I put down the straw, I will collapse. it is my final tic to remove.

“we’re not conquering cities,
we’re conquering different parts of ourselves.”

–notes to self