You are full of nothing
so you can’t feel regret.

1. Propitiation

 I find my head turning, giving notice to something: 

the phone on the table. the front door closed and my boots near it. I am on my knees, palms pressed into the floor to stop myself, howlite next to me. a deep longing to be still. I am facing the door. itis not even three seconds before I am grabbing my headphones.

 I am interrupting myself. clutching the straw and the keys and the knob. knees crack. my wrists are turned inward slightly; always and unnaturally so it’s hard to write things down. my handwriting an indecipherable slant of lines and wavy figures. sometimes it’s hard to pick things up or open things or just be here now. the constant ache.  the T-rex bend to the elbows so I can fiddle as I pace. the way I like to do it: an internal palavering clouding me as I lope forward.  I dropped the howlite for this. pick up the straw. habits are insidious. they are the leftover thing to shake. made from ephemeral need becoming  the most used devices even though need is fleeting. you could wait a second, 

or only have one sip of water to sate a tongue. one glass, a whole throat. a couple more glasses more when it’s dehydration, but this is the distant oasis you’re gaining. this is the gauntlet. these tics; they just sit through anything and become fed. fat. the word habitual means regular or usual. I am flinging the front door open in hat and coat and headphones because the come up is hard but you have about ten minutes of a mostly innocuous adjustment before it gets harder. before the drug hits.

 habits are familiar. they are the leftover thing.

I’m back in front of the fish tank.
there’s a man spitting up into a bag.
I’m tremoring quietly.

      ma’am we put your weapons in a bag.
I turn around to see her holding
my French pocket knife in
a bag.
I’m in a wheelchair.
“MY LEGS WON’T STOP SHAKING.”
it’s from the adrenaline of the asthma inhaler
when I thought I couldn’t breathe
and an elderly man couldn’t tell the
difference between carnal hazard and
somatic conjecture
but no one tells me that so I think
I’m possessed. 

“plus the voices talked to me.”
but I don’t say that.

I just shake in the chair,
focused on fish and
fantastic. breathing
fine now. head full
of little
whispers.

5.

on the table:
bottle of pedialyte,
my phone always ready with
the safecall.

today I am afraid of water intoxication,
encephalitis, parasites, random
things, things not imminent
or even tangible like failure.
some of my friends.
this cavern inside but I’m full of
wormwood     a liter of water
phone
always
ready
dial 9
with the
        dial 1

safe call

(i won’t make the mistake of trying you again)

dial 1

and don’t tell them you’re suicidal.
and don’t trust certain people.
and don’t take too much mugwort.
AND DON’T FALL DOWN THE STAIRS.

4.

on the table now–
Bali Gold, glass of water,
Prilosec both for the dizziness
and potentiation. plus
vitamin c. plus
magnesium to lower the
tolerance. plus turmeric
for inflammation which I found
can also up the buzz.
leave the gummies for now.
I take a stem too.

eventually my legs seized a little.
or, well it felt like my arms were gonna bend
back, or well, like everything had a
mind of its own.
I’m vomiting in the toilet
but forcing it and drinking
a glass of water every 3 minutes.
there is this thing called hyper hydration
that can swell your brain, I tell him.
I’m pissing a lot and
it feels like I will eventually
cease breathing but also like it’s a far way away
and I just gotta sit in a spin with a blanket
around me, tremoring.
also im hearing a few voices
and a woman in the toilet says
you’re doing great, stay grounded.

but honestly
I’m fine. I’m not suicidal.
I just want to have a
good time

4.

some friends don’t care about red flags
but i’ll waste one poem on you
and it’s this.

that was the first red flag..
please never come back and be
careful what you wish for me
as mirrors have a way of sort of
pushing you head first into them.

 I recall sort of hand crawling
up the stairs drunk,
had been slurping the eye dropper
of a THC tincture, vodka based,
until I finally just drank the jar.
spinning in bed,
feeling my dad close to me.

he would have wanted me to relapse.

3

this next section is called:
experimenting with medicine.

it’s hard to say when it started:
when they fed me black tea with milk
at 6 pm when I was only 8, or
the thought of it; I saw
an elegance in the way my aunt’s neck
bent to meet the lighter,
maraud about the backyard barbeque
with a red Irish Rose smile
in a blond bob wig and tan,
        even with thin hair, we can succeed
or when I felt the burn of
it in my chest for the first time;
the clear fire and courage
to approach
anyone, anything
with gumption.

it’s not sympathy I’m asking
for but an understanding
you can’t possibly imagine
unless you live it.
we are born with it:
the constant want,
desire to be both content
and normal, but also elevated
in euphoria even while
just grocery shopping,
feeling a tingle as you
palm the tomato,

yes, yes
tonight will be excellent.

1.

but you can always make it better.

2.

I’m suicidal.
(don’t tell them you’re suicidal)
“I’m not suicidal. I’m fine.”
there’s a telling pause but they are exhausted,
diverted by their self obsession,
clueless.
“ I just want to be seen.”

every time they slap the bracelet on,
relief. like a falling blackness
lifted to reveal a net,
a retrieval.
a temporary spark of light
in my persisting
midnight.
“I’m fine.”

“the hospital series”