one time I came home
and the youngest cat was missing.
keep it together.
I assumed she had evaporated
into the ceiling at the request of
my eldest.
YOU DID THIS.

keep it together.

my youngest cat cannot
meow, she squeaks,
I call her squeaks.
and I sat silent in that house
waiting til I heard her
stuck behind a crate in the
closet.

keep it together.

I almost texted you to
tell you that my cat had
vanished but there was still an
ounce of self preservation,
I’ll admit,
no more than that.

“the texts”

began to float.
began to line the bed with geranium.
began to place black rocks
at every entrance.
someone suggested I call on
Mother Mary.
that felt defiant.
I am Lilith’s favorite daughter.
began to hold the rosaries.
began to look over my shoulder.
sat for an hour straight
staring up at a drone
outside to assert my
flex. began to line the house
with brick dust
then salt
then tea lights
then the menstrual blood
on dark moon nights.

what I said out loud
is anyone’s guess but
I know I said
give it to me,
God, palms
out and tied with
cross.
both submitting to the
reverent light and
immersing myself
in black.
I am elemental.
this is my third life.
there is no time.

spent winter thinking there must
be an explanation for everything.
began to watch the clock
all day.
my new boss mentioned
she thought I was the reason the
power kept going out.
began to watch my
friend’s songs change on
Spotify all day.
took two hour walks in the snow.
began to watch birds outside
my window all day.
nothing will stop me.
I did not eat often.
coffee fueled me.
there was no need for water.

invincible.

“the manic episode”

one day I came home
to my eldest cat’s ear looking like
it had been cut off and I turned to
the youngest and said 

YOU DID THIS

took a walk to relax.
you’re high.
assumed the cats were eating
themselves.
get it together.
be practical.
thwarting demons.

at the emergency vet,
I continued to draw her and
I wrote in a notebook;
I am elemental.

keep it together.

“The ear mites”

when i see her,
she has bright green eyes.
and she begins to rub her body
all over my body.
i see a pig slaughtered in my mind
on the altar.

i call her name
without hesitation
incessantly and
with devotion.

“Lilith”

i uncover all of the mirrors.

STARE.
lots of staring.
the second ghost Isee is
a little boy but it’s
not my brother.
there’s also a little girl in here.the oven timer begins to go off
at 3:30 am
WEEKLY.

i begin to cover and
uncover the mirror
regularly with a black
tablecloth I bought
for this purpose.

stick the genie bottle
with my brother’s ashes inside
the carnival armoire
that I have become devout to.
you can see inside of it,
and you can close the door.
cover it.
pace around it.
take it out.
uncover it and lay
the cloth on the floor,
kneel.
put a candle inside.
watch.
walk away.
the roof can catch fire.

good.

back away.
completion.
sometimes I walk for
miles leaving several candles
burning in my house
at once.
I don’t tell anyone
these games of faith
but once I left 1,000 dollars
on a mantle in plain
sight and the door
unlocked and
slept the whole night.

“the fanatic”