i sit in the dark
wishing i was touching the face
of a person.
i am sitting still.
i no longer narrate my steps.
when i take baths,
i no longer pretend anyone is here.
better to feel it.
spell the word compassion
in a red bath tablet.
everything about me is curated to
shine sun.
there are miles between me and
anyone i know.

i’m not lonely,
i’m devastated and alone.
i have friends and family both
distant.

we are not the same.

i am alone, you see,
in the middle of a trail
in the middle of winter
walking and i am being flanked
by hungry ghouls.

the year is 2020
and i spend winter
not telling anyone
of my thoughts.
jump off the bridge, catarina

I saw this once in a vision.

it was 2017.
i was wrong about some things.
i begin the slow walk through the woods,
counting time, drawing hearts,
remembering every little detail
of my holy squandered life.

if all i can do is just write, i will just write then.