“so I say from the hole
the names and I begin:

  1. I never loved you.
    2. I never loved you.
    3. I think I loved you and might still.
    4. I hope to love you.”

“and then what happened?”
he spits a little as he leans in
and because i am polite
I ignore him.
he’s kind of frenetic but
composed and I think
it’s a matter of being
too excited about the
story. he says it will
be anonymous.
I know better than to trust
any man or recording
but I have to be right
and show that I am right.

I took a sip of water as he leaned in
and I felt the pressure of
electronics and promise
between us.
the documentation of
it all; a Saturn, weight,
a pressure to say the right thing.
not as in flattering,
but correct.
to prove I am truthful.
to prove my ethics.

“and then I reneged it and said
I have no hope in love
and I’ve
never loved anyone.
and then I stood there shaking
from the drop in temperature
for awhile finally adding:
and I never ever will.”

he laughed. he didn’t mean to,
it’s just I have a way of saying
things in a flat delivery
that denotes complete apathy
but it comes across as a
performance even though on almost
any day, I can retreat from
all emotion and literally
feel nothing or
have no attachment to myself.
which is why this experiment has been so difficult.

I also have a
circuitous way
of telling stories.
If I was being transparent,
I should have told him the first part.
that I  dug the hole
and jumped in
and waited for the
man to find me.
but instead I said
I fell in.

so then I have to start over.

“the web”

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