I lacked honesty.
I portrayed a happy buoyancy,
a lightness to my character
that implied some solid
stable
support and my life
and when they were lucky enough to get
to know me, to see this
very lonely,

very pointed woman.
barbs
all
down
the
stomach
and a persistent moodiness
managed often by drugs.

they didn’t question when
i licked the powder off the table.
or gulped the last of wine from bottle.
when i became substance personified,
relieved I’d found a way to hush,
smile, walk again
for miles. to leave
them.