Category: Uncategorized

“adversity truly introduces us to ourselves”

here i come in linear order

Right before it hit, I was at my most lucid.I had begun guessing with a 98.5% accuracy. I knew I was off about a couple of things but I felt secure in what I did know:

1.The bugs that had descended the trees had all frozen so I didn’t have to worry about killing them.
2. The power was out on almost every block.
3. I use intimidation as a tactic to seize opportunity. 

to my mother for never giving up on me (and for Matt always)

You have to look at your face or you won’t be able to identify your own dead body when the time comes.

When you come down, it feels like someone pulled the floor out. The hoax is:
you were never in on it and you were never standing on top of a cloud. To come out of mania is to die a little. To lose your wings. To fall.

I had developed worse and worse habits from my isolation. I spent nearly three months alone with a build up of story and excitement and ideas and note cards and white boards and four altars and more coming. I had set my apartment on fire three times, had texted a man I didn’t know twelve, his friend about three, my friends about once every five weeks and I had no money, no dreams, and barely a job. I could never answer “what do you eat?” straight. I kept my habits locked in an attic, secret with tails. My hair was falling out from the bleach, anemia, stress, thyroid. I was  unaware of everything.

“I live in a smoke machine.”

My frenetic pace had driven my body into almost atrophy from continual overuse. It was beginning to reject itself. Tears in the fibers built up and my pain hit a constant ten. Have I cried in years? The muscles were fed up, calves cut but tired. i didn’t feel skinny. I was always hungry.

I had no idea how to cope or move forward with the future. I was a little depressed and mildly delusional but here on Earth when I set the timer; began the pace. It was May 2, 2017 when I woke up.

But I had learned a long sleep stalk.

“the women who robbed the men”

One day I woke up with with 50,000 in the bank and no regard for what men think or say. No regard for what men have ever said or done.

“the women who robbed the men”

The lists began to repeat themselves but change shape a little as they went. I liked to number everything. Things had to be correctlylisted first, that is, it could be 1-3, 1-4, 1-5, not 1-6, 1-7, 1-9, or 1-13. There were no other combinations allowed. I was not strict with myself during this time about anything else. In fact, I was quite indulgent, but the lists had to be correct.
They began

1. the woman who saw her own death
2. the woman who walked out of walls
3. the woman who told the stories

Then there was some breakdowns.

1. the woman who saw her own death hike
2. Adelmira//valentines day/sada black
3. The women who robbed the men
4. Elevator
5. The woman who told the stories
6. The woman who walked out of walls
7. The woman who saw her own death
8. Halloween 1
9. Halloween 2
10. Lilian
11. ?
12. i swear im telling the truth
13. unfolding, slightly unguided

And then just dozens of names. So many names listed and the phrase “breaking curses” and some I kept or traced in marker, wrote on my whiteboard, one in particular:

infuse.
infuse.
execute.

“datura moon” or “the act of naming things”

this next section is called

“actively fighting w ghost, people watching, haunted house”\