A sense of loneliness
led me to look for families
which left me enraptured
by cults and trauma bonding
“the rooms”
I built a playlist
for every man
I liked.
“the rooms”
in Boulder,
it was the same reason.
it was called “Unity.”
we talked a lot of
life and mysticism
and I sat in a room
among men:
some young,
some old,
becoming chair,
inviting others.
I used to ask men
to reach under blankets
at house parties
and touch me.
“the rooms”
I used to
leave class
in high school,
go to the bathroom stall
and masturbate whenever
I let dirty thoughts
build too long.
“the rooms”
I sometimes
have to fight
the urge to dip my
fingers into the
garbage disposal
when it’s on
to challenge mechanism
designed to fillet.
“the rooms”
“Mercury trine North Node is an awesome ability to manifest the future.”
today we are at “it is not self seeking.”
he’s wrong about many things and I don’t mind telling him,
I say in a slow drawl to no one.
“This was about space. I wanted a close, inviolate and most of all immutable space.”
–House of Leaves
I spent an hour in that graveyard,
sobbing openly over a child
named Catarina.
I held my hands out to the
trees and told her I was
so sorry for pushing her
down the well.
returned to my slanted
cat piss house covered in
tarot cards, my smattering
of piecing the way I push
and pull and you,
a mirror in the afternoon
sunlight;, now pink in a yellow room
from the rectangular stained glass
windows that I watch move
as I lay naked on the floor,
let my neck rest,
so deserving, all day
tense and up and vigilant
and watch the glitter coat
the ceiling. let my
mind race to empty
and it felt dramatic,
the walk there and back
and the way I stated it
like that as I threw my arms
out to Ebby, I am back
from the graveyard
and ok, no falling,
my biggest fear is
falling off the Earth,
I’m talking to myself
unsure of what had passed
over me I began to draw
myself large and
cartoonish, figure myself
against a backdrop
as I let the sweat
roll off my back.
she beckons.
throw change on the floor
and make way for an assiduous
pursuit of more but
she only gives me one future
and that is a rift
that I have caused.
I wrote some other epiphany somewhere
right? in my large sketchbook,
it’s all
phrases like the way
systems reflect larger pictures.
we’re all in conflict now.
we’re all detainees or holding keys
and then longer processes:
in one lifetime, I’ve collected
several horror stories especially
if you tell them from the
bug’s perspective, as I’ve been
known to switch
narrative
direction and you didn’t
cross my mind at all the day
of August in my sweat,
the last confirmation that I was
scared to feel a void so deep
the only word to
muster, God.
like falling.
coming down is
like falling into
the fourth wave
which is waking up
but you have to be careful
what you say.
also be careful what
you think.
“fourth wave”
daturamoon.com 