they say I talk too much

and I’m inclined to agree.
perhaps I’ll
sew my chapped lips shut,
show them the scorpion etched
on my shoulder first and no one
has ever seen my childhood home.

1.
but I’m compromised
by the simple fact I think
I might be a ghost so I’m
always checking mirrors
and calling 911, waiting for
the fireman to touch my arm.
they say
“your leg is not numb, ma’am.”

but I can’t be sure so I make
him touch it again.

2.

one trick is never tell them
anything. I like my men
to think I wait in lonely
cave: ache
and pray for them.
palms clasped and reverent,
sort of rocking like that.
real southern too.
just sort of worshiping
the idolatry of shadow.
please.
they make me repeat it:
please. and thanks
for everything.

3.


my men remember me
incessantly and always
cut out of starry dough:
soft, head half-cocked
looking up at them
with servitude but
sideways like I’m
about to laugh,
then me in my day skirt,
hair covered and
muttering.
candle lit or twenty seven
if I’m out of time.
devout.
pocket full of them.

what a violent question.


you’re sunburned,
gone for weeks without
inquiry and now
a wash of here:
forehead fervid,
a humid wind clasping
the back of the choker
while your left hand lifts
my skirt.
thighs are soft,
reminiscent,
it’s the skin that brought
you back, isn’t it?

4.
what’s that?
you say,
looking at the blue and
black ring of shadow mouth
above my  birthmark.

it’s the way your jaw
bulges as you bite your
ocean tongue
that was just kept safe
and wet under me
before you begin to
pull the clasp rope
til the emerald center
pushes hard against  the
front of my throat
almost as if you are going to
bring the stone inside me
that proves it.
and please,

what a violent question,
love. 


“Five of Wands”

I am  God-drawn,
celibate,
obsessively testing my edges
and binding myself to
new conviction;
my need for fluctuations
in behavior,
lifestyle and mood.
baths are my only sanctuary.
my only drop of still                                                    

in  a particularly icy winter.


begin bleeding with
every new moon
and begin thinking it means. 
something. I begin lighting
the sky with votive &

recitation. begin pouring
the blood brinmed cup in the bubbles
with angle, slight motive:
an offering–me; any time
or any way she likes
forever.

you say: define haunted.
I named them all.
starting with the first one.


starting with the first time
I felt wanted by God.

“lilith”


Apples are hard to eat now.
Bread too and other things
aggravate the throat.
But loss no longer devastates;

imperfections no longer force me
into cessation—
breath, existence, love.
I could try again.
Loss no longer floors me.
Suffused with so much grief,
time brings turning
& often material things.
the locket hanging back on the mantle
front and center.  I don’t
have the letters but my head
without caffeine remembers and
time brings
maturation.

What I’ve always needed:

the deepest place I can go is
completely still.
Still, you don’t mean a thing to me,
nothing means a thing to me.
When I speak, its merely compulsion
to expel whatever memory of feeling
lingers.
And love?

I want this thing gone.

  “I have no future plans,”
I begin calmly.

I am arms outstretched
walking nowhere but with
ardency so  I am labeled:
whimsical and manic,
a troubled woman
not to marry and
like a wound up
fairy, the character that
keeps the music box
spinning.


until it’s boring:
the repetition,
the posing,
the pink smile and
matching slippers
leaping from her
gold coiled post
growing nerves and
ankles that bend flat
to walk to
run. to crawl.

people like me because
I have no plans,
am honest about it,
resplendent teeth when
writing sonnets to the men
and a sense of fury when
reflecting on affairs.
I’m big,
and have wings that
carry weapons. 
  I hear in a distance  someone repeat it
      you use intimidation as a tactic
      to seize opportunity
     
well,

I am blessed with delusive lips
and I also use black magic.

“seven of cups”


in Boulder,  it was called “Unity.”
I was invited once by a girlfriend
and stayed.
we talked a lot about
life and mysticism,
the way currents showed up
for us at the right time
and I wish I had documented more.
like the Gratitude meeting,
I stayed with groups that forced
everyone to share.
they went in a circle.

I sat among them, mostly
men, always mostly men:
young this time.

I once remember sharing
how manipulation used to serve me
and a guy that I had reached
out to about death,
because my brother had just passed.
made eyes at  someone.
I was still waiting for his response.
tuck the errant hair
and look around
stopping at no one in particular.

at the risk of being
labeled calculating, I still
liked being seen. 

“unity”

all day long

I vacillate between intention

and immediate withdrawal;

my habits, my beloved

hermeticism and the double meaning of

everything.  I’m

ambivalent about every choice

I’ve given myself.

even in completion,

I shrug.

let the wind take me.

“ January”

I keep you in my palm.

I keep you in my fist;
squeeze you in my
palm and write my
name with fingerprints.

dotted drips like lines on highways,
designs with influence:
personal meaning
but lazy.
afterthoughts marked with

drops of you

you say:

     afterthought?

you built a town and

stuffed me in it.

my coltish way I fidget next

to you on the bench.

lick my dry lips

without looking up and

pull the hem slowly

with my stubbed, teal nails

to point to the tattoo of

the north star on my leg;

it’s black, sharp and fresh.

and

boy

you

better

run.

“The gauntlet”

“love?”
flick the ash to my  right side
ive taken up spliff again.

I’m walking the block with
my syncopated thoughts.
the beat is long chord
& repetitive.
there’s a specter of a man
in my headphones
at all time and today he wants
to know what he means to me.
I tell him.
I want love
unencumbered
by actuality.”

sometimes I do ceremony.

I stick only to a daily morning
ritual and try to strengthen
some resolve with consumption.
I feed the cats, clean their
litter box, then stretch
and write my dreams down.
then I walk the neighborhood
to soak up attention . 


sometimes I just let things pass
like cravings or
weather.
we do that for others;
carry our grief quietly.
bury things deep
within ourselves.

 I feel the root rot and darken
without altar, water
or speech.
you walk in and
I’m here now
growing into a black
and robust trunk.
you walk in and look
right at me
but I don’t know
where to begin.


I begin to grow,
unfurl, hum
softly.

“datura moon”

I’m just trying to get that one feeling back;
that one day with the perfect amount of substance
and energy, daydream and song. the perfect
walk. the sun on my scapula.
the perfect straw.
and my wrist not aching.
my knee brace on.
and little kids coming up to me
with joy.

it’s happened before.pour the green powder down
my throat.  then the water.
feel the nausea but it fades.
sister,

we can be happy all the time.

“Kratom”

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