it’s the feelings I can’t take.

I can’t sit still.
you never sit still.
I don’t take breaks and
I can’t rest and I can’t stop
once the frantic pacing begins
and today is special, it’s a
double moon day and I knew it
before I woke up.
it’s a two of swords day.
it’s a double shower day where
I try to cleanse myself
obsessively without confessions.

now I am sad about two things:
the way I let things go
with grace
that I can take a bath
about and mourn publicly
because anyone would expect that
and then there’s the more insidious thing:
the way I ruin things privately,
what no one sees
with grace
to stop myself from
sabotaging everything,

there are men in this town
who know me.

1.

 

(the red book)