I once tried to pretend I didn’t have any obsessions or fixations like the way you ignore a mole that grew on your shoulder or the ache in your knee or the clicking of your jaw, you just pretend.
“It’s all in the mind.”
and I didn’t write it down on a note or in my phone, I just stated it out loud. then I would state things.
“ I can control this.”
that felt better. no notes. just statements. but what about the witnesses? I needed witnesses. my walks were long and meandering and thoughtless but suddenly, I would tap someone. I need a witness to existence.
“Can you tell where Walgreens is?”
and then I would turn left at the light and buy the tonic water and trudge home. no notes. no notes. and I would sit on my couch and grip the corners and just sit there. no notes, not writing it. but then the energy, mania, and now I am rearranging the closets and I am checking the app multiple times and I am suddenly making the playlist. making the playlist right. it has to be right or you have to start over. but no notes. of course no notes, a crescendo.
“ I listen to a lot of music,” I took one of his french fries.
“yeah? I love music.”
“you won’t after you date me.”
“the story about the music”