Dec 12 2018
What am I missing?
Nothing. But I don’t believe it so I go outside every day to check it out. I need to walk, observe,be a part of. I carry my cup everywhere I go asking for coffee, some reason to be here and skeptical but full of energy. I squint when I’m pretending to think so no one talks to me. I have a way of avoiding people that invites them to look at me first and I’m changing. I decide this is the year I keep a journal so I stop forgetting everything. Mostly i want to remember the way it felt when it all coalesced into what it would actually look like. I remember starts and finishes but centers become fuzzy.
I’ve been dreaming of the soft ground again; propping myself up with my hands and staring straight up at the moon. Winter feels like an open grave.
I step on a large stone and begin to rub it back and forth underneath my sneaker. Consider taking it for my altar but ultimately walk away, not kicking it either. I feel like it is set there for a reason: a child or anyone feeling scathed or unsafe. I can see it in my mind hitting a skull.
I laugh out loud but I don’t mean to and then I pull a straw out of my pocket. I can feel the beginning devolution at the first brush with rejection, the thing I am currently avoiding today. I feel abandoned in every situation so I clutch this disposable plastic and wish to throw people away.