I’ve been depressed for five days. they say it’s usual plus the weather is rainy. I have my sun lamp out. plus I am cut in half and in pieces and finding identity on my knees like I’m a shattered mosaic. rebuild her into a table. put books on top. my spine feels bent like that. I’ve been walking in circles again. I feel fine is what I will say if anyone asks.

I did a ritual with Lilith shortly before my brother’s birthday. the lights were out anyway and I just needed a meditation, some peace. I recently became attracted to that kind of embodiment. that kind of figure in my life, something towering. almost unresearched I went.  I don’t know what did it. probably all the psychic readings. no one urged me to call her or present any kind of gift to her but. having left AA, there was a big vacuum to fill. a belonging. a longing for understanding and a bigger God then what I was promised there. my loneliness seeks a cult like fanaticism and my obsession has been to disprove most things quite truthfully. I had never considered letting proof hold me.  I had been secretly furtive and devout my whole life but I had a strong predilection for men and what they fed me but I was changing winds. I felt urged to classify my beliefs into systems as well as to have something to throw my entire soul bared at which is when she beckoned. I believe. 

I was ready to dislodge the snake and I began to breathe the way I was taught. to move it up and down. I listened to a recording to help me. I walk into things half blind, not really prepared but also not completely ignorant to the feelings. meditation is hard for me. if I sit for more than five minutes I became ecstatic and orgasmic. men laugh when I tell them that and women nod. it is unbearable to carry the christ inside.  I allowed both of my cats to sit on and near my lap. it felt grounding when it began to have them.   I called her by name and with purpose: to rush through my spine and rip up the snake. as I breathed, tethered to the couch, she tapped me and then she hugged me from behind. twice. then and tonight. 

years later I will say it was hard to leave that house. it was. even though I wanted desperately out. it is hard to leave that house now.  i mean it is hard to look back and not hug it real big for what it did for me. 

in the center of the fire, that is where you will find the heartbeat.

what I remember about anything is the visceral feeling, my chest exploding into a tiny thousand light beams. cracked. like an egg and too early like yolk, embryo. becoming the couch, becoming the carpet. becoming the floor.  being beckoned to stay, sit, let the light move through me until it feels like the sky has entered your sex. 

11/13/2016

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