dreamt someone was singing “God wants you to enjoy outside pleasures”

it’s Friday night and I am going on a date with a woman. I have only been smoking weed again for two weeks but this feels like a good choice to get high before. two hours before so I can cool off and then walk there. I need the relaxation and something about it really opens me up to channel whatever I find most encompassing about my environment. I feel it like pinpricks everywhere. whatever the mood is. whatever my mood is and then how the environment responds. 


when I show up, the first thing she tells me is my sweater is inside out. I told her I was wearing a dress but got nervous and changed into pants. so I could feel like myself, I added. she asked me how I got here and I said I walked. it takes me about forty five minutes. I loved walking west philly and the river trail equally.  I waited before telling her I was high to gauge if this would offend her. I didn’t have to tell her but I confess. almost on instinct. anything at all. not even pressured.  

we were meeting for ethiopian. I love eating with my hands. I love sharing dishes. there was a coziness to it. and I can eat a lot. it comforts me if we are both really enjoying the meal. I  waited until I sat down to pull off my sweater feeling more comfortable seated and hidden. I was very attracted to her and it’s not that I don’t want to be desired but I am  cloaked. the act of arching my back to pull the sleeve out made me self conscious. I was wearing a black tight undershirt; a low cut long sleeved tee. I sat perfect posture once I got it off. I had combed my hair but worn a hat so I had to keep it on. my boots were also black like my jeans and five inches tall. when I am anxious, I like to intimidate my environment to back up.

 people have revealed to me that the first impression they have of me is that I’m completely unaffected by anything that’s happening.  I am cool in my distance and bulls eyed on something. staid. targeted and without emotion. I can be very engaged and I love laughing, chit chat, being in on it but I am devoid in some other sense.within moments of sitting, I had explained to her that my sweater was inside out because I was nervous and changed and now I’m more nervous because it was inside out and I’m a little high.  I told her I didn’t drink and that I smoked weed before I got here and that I’d only been smoking weed for two weeks since I got sober in AA. I was wearing makeup but I did show a lot of teeth. just laughing at the situation and smiling. also engaged with her process as she began to reveal her history. when I smile in front of someone in a bare face, that means something.  if we were measuring vulnerabilities, some things have more weight then what you say.

I am not armed but just steel.
like I am a steel gate.

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