I went to a woman’s house I was seeing. a different one. she asked if I wanted to take a bath with her. we took a bath in chamomile and epsom salt and I began to tell her that I thought my house was haunted. or rather, that I had many astral experiences that I wanted to dissect.  the water was lukewarm and we rubbed each other’s legs. she didn’t shave and that didn’t bother me. she had no hair. I was attracted to her because she looked dainty like a pretty boy. I liked men who were effeminate and manageable. she was shorter than me but always wore heeled boots. last time we met at her house I asked if I could go down on her for practice and she let me. 

I started tonight by telling her the colorado story. we had settled in the bath. she demanded lumination. she had spent hours defending her position as a witch already and she was claiming she had right to the deific heritage. I was sort taken aback by all labels and confused about my own identity beginning to walk the line to use the label “queer” “bisexual” “gay” “splintered.”I ignored some of her incendiary thoughts around the use of such a coveted title and didn’t dare go into any detail about my summoning of Lilith. in fact, I puposely left that out by going very far back to Boulder. I begin by telling her:

“I once took a nap in the middle of the day and woke up to a woman, a white woman, like glowing white. not wearing a gown but I guess you could say it was a gown as well. she had big, bright blue eyes. she was right next to the top of my bed. probably about 2:30 pm and  was bright outside. I tell her that the white woman was saying “it’s ok it’s ok” and then within no change of frame, she’s gone and next to the oven is a green glowing orb. I then feel like I’m being pulled from my body and I hear like a spit sound near my ear. like my spit is sucking back. I feel like I’m floating.  I panic and try to drop down in the bed and then I feel myself realign and settle in. almost as if I have walked back into my spine.  I wake up. I text my ex boyfriend because he was super scared of aliens. he used to get too high and call me at 330 am afraid of his closet. true story. so I told him first. my sponsor at the time told me to get a shaman.”

“yeah,” she interrupts.

I think of the line from my friend’s film. I am the Jinn. but I don’t say it. I tell her the most recent visitor. there was this thing that looked like my brother. but had a stretched face. he was wearing a white tee shirt and, I settle my hand on her shin and lean forward. people have described me as being nearly apathetic to human connection.  he was pointing to a painting on the wall. it was a tree he had painted. and then suddenly I’m  like screaming but in the astral realm and feeling claws on my legs and I tried to climb back in bed. 

“you need a guide.”
“I don’t do well with guides.”
“these entities are pulling you out as  you sleep.”
“mmm.”

that was a troubling thought. she said:

“it sounds like you aren’t astrally traveling but being pulled into the astral realm.”

she let me borrow a book on tethering to Earth during astral travel and some other things about spirit work, lighting candles, what to ask for, etc. and also a book about polyamory. very thick book. I pretended I would read it and nodded a lot. we didn’t have sex. we looked at her crystal collection. she named all of them and where she got them which is cool because I can’t remember what I did with my garnet, let alone, when I got it.  or rather, every few years I throw things away. so whether I have that garnet seems up to God. we hung out on her bed. she was scolding me for deviating from known mechanisms and chants.

“the mantras have existed for thousands of years. we say the mantras because they are being heard over and over and gaining power as they are spoken.”
“I like to make my own mantras and repeat them over and over.

 I was there because she had a special solstice ritual the next day and this was the only night we could hang out.  I watched her cut ginger and make us strong tea. I sat in her kitchen regaling her with all the ways my dreams have been keeping me on edge. she was abrasive because I refused input but seemed palms open. I was also leaving a lot out.  she resented women using the term “witch” unless they were of a witch’s heritage. I learned a few things from her. 

“my mother was a witch,” she said to me matter of factly. “it’s in my blood line.”

use ginger liberally. boil for ten minutes. offer friends tea and baths of chamomile are sweet but roomier with one. you can shave your legs if you want. ideas of polyamory are attractive in theory but you also have to be attracted to the person you are fucking. controlling identities is limiting and bossy people are kind of a mood kill for exploration. it wasn’t her I liked. I am loyal in a very secret way becoming fixated on one person at a time. I left not knowing how I felt at all. about her or her concern that “entities are pulling me out of my body at night.” what mantra would I say?

God.

I walked to my car wanting to walk longer. wanting to skin myself of any fragrance left from her couch. 

12/21/2016

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