The next day I texted my ex’s mother who I was still leaning on at times to tell her that I made my friend leave and had felt guilty. She said that was good and told me to call on the Virgin Mary. She said I should watch my drug intake. I smoked three bowls but lit a candle to the Virgin Mary. I felt saints swarm the borders of the apartment building.  They were white and big. It was better than the black ghosts that loitered there some nights.  I got out all of my prayer cards from my dead relatives.  I felt rejecting of one of them. My uncle who killed himself. I put his back in a shoebox and hid it under shoes. My stomach began to protrude.  I could not shake the feeling of the two hands in the cabinet. I began to clean out more of my dresser drawers and started to get into the hair accessories in the bathroom. School was about to start and I was about to go back to work. Another girlfriend texted me to ask “how are you? It’s been awhile. How were your holidays?”

“My holidays were fine. How were yours?”

“Good!”

“Great!”

At 8:30 pm, I decided to do the third meditation with Lilith. 

I document it exactly as I feel it. Painful ejection and discovered the snake. Went straight to the source. I am God personified and love. Love love love. My throat was purple and upward purple. Heart was a gray leaf on a gray beach. Grief. 

That night, dreamt the owl was mixing in with me, blue slides. Dreamt my mother was trying to spend time with me. 

I go back and fill in what happened back in November. I do this a lot. Leave things out and try to remember them later. Not the best way to document, I tell my therapist. I have not shared my journal with my therapist once. Merely, tell her I am writing. 

(Lilith (kundalini #2, circa 11/13/2016)

. I booked an astrological reading earlier in the year and before this second meditation, felt it important to think about it. My Lilith is in Taurus. My north node is in Taurus. I had a vision of two owls: a white snowy owl and spotted owl. I felt that these represented the masculine and feminine parts of me. I began drawing a woman in trees and soon after constructed an altar to Lilith. Placed my mom’s owl on top and abortion herbs (black and blue cohosh, and angelica) and suddenly she was there. I continued to have visions of white elephants and dragonflies. Felt my skull give birth to sky. Felt pink light, flashing light, connected to Earth and directly to Source. I can manifest when connected directly to source. )

I asked my dream to show me Lilith before going to bed that night

1/3/2017