God does remarkable things in times of hardship. The ability of my body to slither down the banister then back up the mailboxes like that to deal with untoward events that I could not possibly predict: passersby blowing joint smoke right at me and leering, good samaritans palms out, rocks on the sidewalk catching the bottom of my shoe, unlevel pavement, time passing and leaving its scratch on my pallid skin. What’s more, God is the master of all fate, deigned to be creator and destroyer and me in my limp, laughing out loud at having thought I could fight her. Me, salivating despite having no, not a drop of water, the body, God doing miraculous things. She is presenting me with these angels, these incredulous stares and hands, mine slapping them, scared of palms then and now. Me, rejecting then and now. Me in my gallantry and sore runner’s knee suddenly on death row mile. This is now. I am at 32nd and Hamilton walking towards the bridge. Somehow by miracle, not crawling even though my body had a steady tilt towards the left as if it was going to topple. By miracle, no folks interfering though I felt them lean in, felt them pause with their bodies full stop for seconds to wonder, does she need me? Does she need someone else?
This is a flashback or something close to it, perhaps just a memory but vivid here, like an inscription: a text actually sent that said I need you unreturned. As if one chance is all the world had to requite it. This is a memory but also a moment happening as it happens and recorded in my mind like I am speaking it into a tape recorder. I am dictating each move now unsure if I am dictating out loud for my audience or just thinking. Smile. I smile at the jogger. She should not be out here alone. A strong urge to push her passes. God is remarkable. This is a flashback or something close to it, perhaps just a memory but vivid here, like an inscription: a text actually sent that said I need you unreturned. As if one chance is all the world had to requite it. This is a memory but also a moment happening as it happens and recorded in my mind like I am speaking it into a tape recorder. I am dictating each move now unsure if I am dictating out loud for my audience or just thinking. Smile. I smile at the jogger. She should not be out here alone. A strong urge to push her passes. God is remarkable.

I am filled with an unimpeded violence and in the middle of a frozen lake turning to watch my sister begin to come after me.

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