I did not want to throw up. I’d only thrown up once in Santa Fe when I took a strong and high dose but my best friend was there. she was very supportive of me throwing up and I was able to lean on a tree. she was able to calmly say let the tree hold you. and there was no fuss about it. now, I was alone and resolutely said no! out loud. fearing I’d choke to death due to recent medical problems with my throat and swallowing, having almost choked to death three times in a year.  I would not even entertain the idea of vomiting ever.  I laid back down. it was like this. the come up.

 the coming up is hard and the coming down. at two intersections, your balance will be the most challenged. first in the body, then in the mind. this was brown jasper. I was staring at the pillar next to the framed black fox melting down white paper; his body containing a black and white dotting of a forest at night. these are my idols. that also soothed me but the mirror next to it didn’t and I had to look away. I had to take the pressure off. I laid down. even with weed, you have to periodically remind yourself you have ingested a substance and there is a reason at times that you are mocked by something in your house. this was true purpose.  when you ease the tension. when you ease up on yourself,  I am on drugs, you are actually able to let go of the thoughts better because they are inherently flawed. they are in a new untested equillibrium.  the come up is resolving the equilibrium and the thoughts in the come up are sneakier; not as sensational but can be insidious. charming and hidden, depending on your character. me? I’m a snake. because they are so closely related to the thoughts you were having before you dove deep, but now intensified, they are unabashedly louder than ever. 

the pandemic is the perfect time to live in delusion and memory but I have chosen presence as a display of servitude to my deities who have gifted me with vision. I am deified here on my cross, my orange quilt, my loose way with everything and everyone. and the truth was i’d been dodging life in an effort to sit down and type and this felt like the best first way to do this. to actually cave and give in and to start by allowing yourself to be taken by something that you have little control over once you ingest. to surrender to commitment. to commit to time. to commit to something. loyalty. loyalty is madness, love in a form, a manifestation, is loyalty. love is loyalty. true love is madness. I wasn’t thinking of my  parents so much as being subsumed by them. every time a thought of my father passed I wanted to get up. how to sit. you cannot outrun this. what I value: loyalty, first to self and today was the day I would prove it. 

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