the pressure of the headache. I am so tense. the movement of my hands across the head. calming in very small doses. I had taken my hat off but at some point put it back on. it feels soothing to have weight on me. on my head, on my body: a blanket or pillow. I like wearing hats. I like hiding my hair. I stretched my forehead again. it was so much pressure. I unclenched my jaw again. I began to run my fingers all over my face again and my whole body tingled and it was incredibly serene right there. I had to keep my eyes kind of open fluttering, closing them was too confusing. the mushroom wants you to see the visuals they present; not to dream but to experience. every time I closed them, the drugs willed them back open. 

I was staring at the painting again and thinking, people who go outside to take their drugs to escape are really missing something. it’s the nest you want to take them in; the cocoon, the place you spend the most time to see what it reflects back to you. in this kind of bubble too where you feel trapped, stifled. any dust is intensified. the first trip in this house I had in the middle of cleaning.

“surrounded by chaos inside and outside.” 

It’s March 2020 and the pandemic just started.