******

there were a lot of thoughts at once. I may be translating it incorrectly because there was a lot of pausing to take note of environment. to stand still in the tub. to sit still in the tub. was i standing?  twist to the tile and press it and rest my face.feel the wet coolness. I don’t notice any grime in the cracks. was I talking?   look up at my shower head dripping. hear the smoke alarm reminding me I need batteries.  notice the cat wasn’t there. elucidate the room, vivacity. the sun through the window passing through the succulent’s chubby leaves to me, I want to drink them..  my thumb nail waving in a ripple as I try to find my reflection.  the way my fingers can dance on top of water to make ripples. spent hours as a kid doing that. a constant movement to come back to nothing. to realize the want was nothing. my iterations: repetition, pressure, organization, pressure, time, people’s time, attention, pressure, validate the wound, pressure. my head full. my jaw clenched. my fingers around the straw. secret double life;  my functioning a product of survival.

“It’s not what they think though,” when I speak like that I am referring to the idea that I can read motives of people and am not projecting.

I could be projecting. I am afraid too. Ebby sits on the corner now and watches me. her eyes are bright yellow. offer her my cheek to seduce her. we rub faces like that for maybe only three minutes. maybe five. I pull back and gaze at my arm. I go back to her face. gaze at my arm. back to her face and remember how she almost fell once trying to pet me.. I had been sitting closer to the tile with my back against it playing the ripple-fish game with her and she wanted to get closer.  I have a scar going down my rib where she scratched me trying to stop herself from falling into the tub. she did fall. maybe six times now. it doesn’t bother me.”  I have many scars . 

“your skin heals fast but not your bones,”  a psychic once said to me.

“I don’t care.”

but you do or you wouldn’t do it? a voice says.

I am uncomfortable. infinitely.

“I am humbled,” and I laugh because I didn’t expect any of this. nor the pandemic truly.

“I am humbled.”

with motive.

“ don’t show me my death.”

part 1: clairsentience, or The King of Cups