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he brought me the water.

 

“I just feel like an animal.”

 

he sat next to me despite how hot it was in my apartment.

 

“you’re more feral than others.”

 

I shook my head.

 

“I’m virile though. don’t you agree? I hold so much acid
here. caustic.”

he sipped his water.

 

“wouldn’t that prove you’re human not animal? those sensations.”

 

I watched a lot of animal documentaries and videos always choosing the ones that showed attacks.

 

“sometimes I think they enjoy it.”

 

he placed the glass on a coaster as if it mattered.

 

“who is they?”

 

“predators. sometimes I think predators enjoy it.”

 

“do you enjoy it, sarah?”

 

I knew what he meant.

 

 “do you enjoy the kill?”

 

smiles don’t prove malefaction, they exhibit it.

 

“not the kill but the hunt.”

 

we sweat in silence for an instant. the water not cold enough. the apartment ablaze. my shelves sturdy and everything else in motion.

 

–responses from Hecate during meditation

 

the hex begins by posting their names
and watching the likes and shares
proliferate.

I start by slaughtering your brothers
in front of you to see if
you can stand it.

8.

“you’re not a sociopath,” he said to me. “why do you say this all of the time?”

shrugs don’t prove apathy, they exhibit it.

“I have no feelings.”

he was tinkering with the olive colored shelf as I had demanded. I was unsure if my anchor screws were secure.

“they are,” he said. “good job with the shelves. and you do feel. I see it.”

smiles don’t prove light, they exhibit it.

“no, I don’t care about anything.”

he hopped down from my couch and put the hammer down on my coffee table.

“sarah, I don’t see you running around murdering people.”

“sociopaths don’t murder people, they feel nothing for other people. psychopaths murder people.”

walking across slumped bodies doesn’t prove compassion fatigue, it exhibits it. 

 

“want some water?” he asked and headed towards the kitchen.

 

I nodded.

 

“if it were up to me, I would live on a boat in the middle of an ocean without a single thought or issue crossing my mind letting the days wash over me until I was sun beaten.”

I heard the faucet.

“until I was rested and drained.”

I heard the glass clank.

“until I wanted the salt water finally.”

I heard him cough.

“you’re tired. that’s all.”

 

walking the block for hours at a time without talking to a single person doesn’t prove dissociation, it exhibits it. maybe you should spell it for him.

 

n

i

h

i

l

i

s

m

 

father, we can be happy all the time.

 

just because my highest value is love
doesn’t mean I know what that
means. I sit all day
in a rocking chair and plot

the deaths of others,
then just turn on myself. 

 

7.

oh, everyone is mad at
me like I care or have a single
feeling that isn’t moored
with self-depreciation.
spell it then.

n

i

h

i

l

i

s

m
mother, we can be happy
all the time.

I once made up a long, long thing.
I only like the authentic and
I’ll list my seven values.
seven is the number of creation and
eight is the number of stopping.
nine is the manifestation
of hope before your eyes and
ten is when you sit with someone
by a lake for a long time
and then they kiss you.

 

1. organic experiences
   2. freedom
   3. love
   4. organic expression
   5. kindness
   6. generosity
   7. truth

 

I do not lie.
if I ever told you I loved
you I was lying but I had convinced
myself first.
it’s not my problem I live in a
womb of delusion.
I asked for your help and I was tapped by
a ghost you know to do it.
otherwise, what would have stopped you
from driving without
that seatbelt? 

you reckless
fucking moron,
drinking and driving
and fucking eighteen year olds
with pride.

“the extinguisher”

if I wait five seconds,
I will erase you.
if you wait ten seconds,
I will re-emerge in your
doorway.

that’s fair.

I wish had more words for
everything hurts.