(Boulder, Colorado, Fall 2013)
where I am laying currently as this
my chest is a bright, blue door
standing slightly ajar.
I felt like I was floating:
not on a lake or an ocean,
or a stream or my beloved mountain creek but
just lying on top of a big puddle of water in the air
that existed for no explicable reason, much like
all the grief that took me by the tendrils
and dipped me
in the center of the canyon-deep flood that took place
in the core of a six year old girl
who grew up to be giant and made of tinted glass
and a grand total of
I looked up to see a white flower billowing
above and for once in my life,
I appreciated it’s grace and splendor choosing
to pass by it without disturbance.
I wanted to leave it right where it was;
an illusion of life and growth and flying flora in the sky.
when she touched my heart, I felt a green electrical charge
shoot through my spine
I became a swaddled baby rocking
on a river of God.
it was the vision that mattered and
some parts I had forgotten, I don’t
write everything down:
I was standing under the moon near a lake and some trees
and miles and miles of stars–he and I both.
suddenly a large white bird fell from the sky, swooped fast to stand and
then lay like it’s prey, floundering on solid sand
just praying to die.
I looked at life through those bird’s eyes
and saw a family before me:
a husband, a woman and child: all me and mine.
I felt myself age; withering skin that turned into tiny wells
of wisdom cut deep in my cheeks,
brows and crown of gray storms, and lips that
kissed only dusty picture frames and hard candy,
and saw myself mourn my own passing.
I was clothed in all white with lilies in my hair
before I sank to the bottom of a lake.
everything was blue.
everything was silent.
everything was moving away from me.
I used to be a sound;
a loud wailing of a door
slamming shut with every one of
until I fell back into myself,
until I remembered this vision
and it’s bright, blue current of
wild and divine help:
the bird suddenly came
back to life and flew away
and out came dozens of
“reiki” or “death reversed”
“The Woman Who Saw Her Own Death”