all day long I do mathematical equations
      they say I’m calculating. 

in my head.
as I walk to the laundromat
shifting the hamper beneath me,
I think,

    that’s an understatement.


I think a lot.

I think.
I think.
I love probability
what’s the likelihood I’ll see you again
believing I both convinced myself in this reality
and believe I convinced you it was true
so imbued in my delusion
but then God came to my defense,
I watched some things begin
to sprout  like little poison flowers
growing out of the cracks
like refuge?
or the analysis like


what is it going to take to hypnotize
a small crowd and at what cost to my
well being and I was practical so
how much money will I  make?
and statistically speaking,
we have to look at patterns,
not just equations but
trends so then here comes
the past.


I turn the headphones up.


you gave me a bouquet of
weeds as I was drinking
my third cup of coffee.
you had picked them from
our backyard when I wasn’t

you were smiling with teeth;
big, and I thought I loved
I had gone upstairs to
change into a sundress
and tore something near my spine,
suddenly, like a rip inside.
I mustered up enough breath
to walk down the stairs,
back to you,
where you had been standing with the weeds,
where you had been telling jokes,
where you had been laughing and I said:
it feels like I pinched a nerve
and am having trouble breathing.
what should I do?

you looked up the staircase
on your way out
the front door and tossed a
I don’t believe you
as you were rushing.
someone else drove me to
the doctor and that doctor
confirmed it,
prescribed me Flexeril
for the pain and wrote me
a note explaining to my internship
why I wouldn’t be in that day.
I laid in bed, waiting for the
drugs to subside.

you came home
and attempted to justify
why you always felt
deceived by me.
I lay numb,
relieved of feeling anything as you recited
everything I’d ever done
that bothered you.
you weren’t sorry,
it’s Thursday and I feel
nothing for you

I drop a pair of panties
on the sidewalk
on the way out and
someone calls me from
the corner.
I turn my headphones up

I feel nothing for you now.


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