January 6 2020

Impenetrable. Impervious. Caged. Restless. Irritable. I found my high school journal. I am scared to open it. 

Last night I dreamt you bit the head off a blue jay and spit it back into its nest. When I asked why, you said “to prove you will never leave me.”

I know from social media that the power went out in Center City for a few hours. It’s 28 degrees today and a storm is coming. I think I read the power was out in neighborhoods in North Philly and have been for 24 hours. I begin to draw my plans to New Orleans. I still have power and my cat is purring next to me.

Oh, abandoning. Not abandoned but abandoning. What’s the word for that? Detached. 

Detached. Fervid. Dry. Optimistic, anyway. I draw a picture of a happy cat’s face and close the journal. I open my food log: oatmeal with raisins and maple syrup, one cup of coffee with soy milk, probiotic drink w spirulina and aloe vera powder, homemade alkaline bean stew, two bananas and preparing to eat more stew with popcorn as snack.

I add: today is a healthy day. I feel jovial without affectation to match.