January 7, 2020

Right before it hit, I was at my most lucid.I had begun guessing with a 98.5% accuracy. I knew I was off about a couple of things but I felt secure in what I did know, and next to my scrawled sequoia, I began to list them:
1.The bugs that had descended the trees had all frozen so I didn’t have to worry about killing them.
2. The power was out on almost every block.
3. I use intimidation as a tactic to seize opportunity.

this is your death stroll,
you used to dress up for it,
now you take it as it comes,
easy, waiting but

The news told me that everyone was having trouble with their power and that it would be on soon. The news reports stated that they were “working on it.”  I had power. I turn the corner to go to Target deciding it’s time to get some things, whatever I could carry. Eidetic memories require a visceral experience to later recall. So when I feel the drop in stomach later, I remember the black street and the way I turned left with optimism, which is my usual manner of going to the store. Later, when my chest tightens, I can also recall how  the entire complex was black, guarded by police and it appeared from a distance that they were turning people away.
Unthwarted still and with need, I tucked my hands in my pockets and kept going. It was twenty six degrees and I had to get cat food and some basics: soy milk, oatmeal, some fruit, maybe some more beans. My hood and hat were on and my scarf was tied around my face so things were obscured. Today was windy and the wind cut and whistled and masked things. I kept my head down but I heard them. I heard shouting. I neared and I saw mobs of people then. Where I had just seen a few, I saw mobs of people and tons of police cars. I heard shouting, “batteries.” This was no gallivant.  I heard “fuck you.” I need cat food. I heard “water.”
“Oh fuck.”
I decided to turn back heading towards the center of city. Later, when I hear the car backfire, I will recall how fast I can run even though I always say my knees hurt. I will recall the thrum in my palms as the surrounding area begins screaming. I will recall the way you only know what something is by context. Sound is deceiving. When I hear the car backfire, I will remember the way I knew the difference by how many times a gun can be fired without stopping.

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