today is my brother’s birthday and to celebrate I ate whatever I wanted, which became a lot of cookies which became a habit. I also wanted him to read the cards for me. I was still using the spanish Labyrinth deck. it was my only tarot deck. I lit one candle on the dining room table  and then three candles on the mantle. for Lilith, for God, for us.  I ate some of his ashes out of the black and white handmade ceramic jar that looked like a genie bottle. someone had made it and gifted it to me. it was very dramatic in presentation and it was the perfect urn, always placed neatly out of sight but around. I wanted to feel my brother always and especially now. just sprout inside of me as a memory. that he had happened. that my house existed.  that before he died, we spent ten years estranged to talk again about the pets and chit chat and busch gardens. and he wanted me to move back.  a year before he passed, I blossomed in the mountains of colorado away from him dying. that it was possible to see The Sun reversed again. that it was possible to move on.

I became dense.. 

10/19/2016