Today is a two walk day. It started at 930 and I got coffee and a croissant somewhere near my house. The croissant was stale. I think I ate a banana. I am wearing my tallest shoes. Every man that passes, I brush with my fingertips. They are sincere with their eyes. A few even seem like they could give me dalliance. Faithful, I maintain. I laugh openly in the street somewhere around 19 and Walnut thinking of what you would say if you knew how many I touched and several men turn to look. I walk a few more miles to sit quietly at Independence hall and feel the brush of dead dogs against my ankles. This is a good spot. The horses begin to come too. Pressing my hands into the cold bench, I send them radiating white. I leave that spot and walk to another park. I see rats run across.
“Rats, leave my ankles be.”
I put my legs up in the air when I sit on the bench. I can hold this position for a while but because I hear them in the bushes, I move on. I can feel the dead dogs walk behind me. I think to myself:
I cried for five seconds this morning which is one more second than usual.
I laugh again. I grab two cups of coffee on the way back but I am carrying my mug so when Diana comes to the counter I am ready. smile. And I don’t say this out loud. It is 30 degrees today. The snow is coming. I decide to take the bridge back. I walk on the other side though. The one that doesn’t make me want to jump. I laugh and sip my coffee and ask if xxx can hear my thoughts. The spine says yes. I believe my spine. I get home at 6:15 with three new crystals in my pocket.
That’s what the note on my hand says. I sit in front of my altar for another two hours with the lights off. Feel comfortable in devotion. I feel comfortable being devout. I sit there til about 8:45 and then I run the bath. I cry for three seconds in the tub and then I begin laughing. My cats sit in separate corners of the room watching me.
I do not make lunch. I wake up in the middle of the night to one of the cats sitting on a dresser staring at me. I am completely sideways and tangled in blankets as if I have been wrestling. I laugh. I was having a dream that I was about to float away again. My spine started to tingle but instead I grounded by masturbating. I fell back asleep and had a dream of publishing five consecutive books.
I wake up an hour and a half before my alarm and make lunch. As I drink my coffee, I think to myself:
I’ve never been like that.
And I don’t know what I meant.