the first thing to go
is emotion.
that’s why I gave away

my clear Garfield mug
that was impractical in size,
made for child’s juice
and reminded me of my first home.
I cannot take everything every year.
you know, moving every year
precludes you just lose things.
you cannot survive harsh conditions
and also be struggling with
some kind of emotion,
trying to name the fluid
mood swing, you needed to 

think and     snap out of it.
it was easier to manage the complicated
process via fable.
but
it was not easy to communicate
any needs,
desires.
the first thing to go is
emotion.
could not carry all of these things
and had adult sized mugs to begin
with.
you cannot survive any attack
while hysterical.
histrionic,
I practice that word.


I cannot pass up cravings.
I am on my fourth cup of coffee
walking to the El,
paranoid and running through all of the scenarios
in which I will die,
planning my escape route for
each one and having zero emotion
or hope.
the second is hope.

to go I mean.
the first thing to leave
is all feeling and the
second thing is
hope.

“second wave (grief)”

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