good profile.
have never seen her hair
she was
wearing a platinum blonde wig
when I met her and
then a brown one and then
a head scarf,
floral, purple, I
remember.
bangs peeking out but
the rest an
all black everything
including dress,
boots and nails,
eyes lined like soot
tracing the chimney top,
and she was a
studious observer,
a witch.
told me she “burned a sigil”
for this and then she
licked her lips
(think about me)
touched her nails to her tongue
(listen to me)
ran her wet nails down
her neck
(wait for me)
and I’ve just been waiting.
“How guys save me in their phone #11”
nice figure and
sharp glances.
obsessed with her wrinkles when
passing window.
thirty three years old and can’t seem to
thwart her own self persecution.
but an alpha.
told me to sit down on the bed.
told me to lay face down on the bed.
told me to consent.
said she liked ass play
and pegging and
doing things in pieces.
“how guys save me in their phone #10”
mood swings,
kind of mired in
a circular prophecy
that she keeps repeating.
silent in spurts,
frozen when alarmed but
then bursts in and says to
me: “are you fucking
watching me?”
like we’ve been talking
all this time.
“how guys save me in their phone #9”
made me walk to her house
and collect stones along the way.
said she was building something.
my pockets and fingers were dirty
and when I arrived,
she was sitting, arms crossed
and
“throw that conch shell away.”
when I asked about the stones,
she looked perplexed.
said to throw those away too.
“sisyphus” or “how guys save me in their phone #8”
if you shrunk her to the
size of a pine needle
and hid her in the bunk of
a barn underneath the bales,
she would shine like a comet,
possibly set the house on fire,
so you would find her.
“how guys save me in their phone”
you become loosely creased
looseleaf reduced to a crumple
floating to the floor
without altar,
a harmonic little
m o r e
in my palm
on your way
to the tile
where I gently lay
you leave you
altered without prayers
once more.
leave you twisted
in want
like me and
deformed.
“warning forms”
the first thing I showed him was the callous
here look
and he licked it with his tongue
without questioning my need to
grip things so tightly
I’ve succumb to carpal tunnel,
arthritis, delusions of
grandeur and infancy.
“has anyone ever talked to you about splitting?”
is what the doctor said to me once
after observing me mumbling to myself
in my room.
sometimes i like to shoplift.
“Who is Catarina?”
sometimes I like to fuck the men with wives.
“Catarina is the girl who does bad things. I am Sarah. I am the good girl who does good things.”
sometimes I like to hunt.
“splitting is a phenomenon in which you sort of leave your body to allow another persona to take over.”
sometimes I like to punish bad boys.
“like possession?”
sometimes I like to peek at Christmas presents.
“no, more like split personality.”
sometimes I watch the mirror dance in candlelight
and wait for her to come
I break men
like the swell that rises over bridges
engulfing islands with her mouth,
I break men with turns of
tides.
“the journal”
Court was fine. I wore a blue button up and my long black wig that made me look like a soccer mom or a very modest witch. I barely remember a single thing except I was convicted of a first DUI due to a technicality in paperwork. I had spent all my family’s money on a lawyer who spent all his money running late night TV ads which is how we got here.
Grace is the bruise the ankle bracelet leaves so you don’t have to smell the menstrual blood fill the metal toilets all day.
“Good news. House arrest. But you gotta sit in booking for a while.”
I nodded. I remembered booking.
“How to forget everything day 61”
I don’t remember this but my mom said that I borrowed my money
from my brother to hire the best DUI lawyer in town. The one in all the commercials. I don’t remember this. But how could I? I had hit my head once on a metal railing and then again against my steering wheel driving 45 miles an hour?My car was covered in battery acid and I still had to pay to get it out of the impoundment.
“Everyone hates drug addicts. “
I said this driving my car to the lawyer.
“You drove here?” He said. “They took your license. You aren’t allowed to drive.”
I looked at him puzzled like the way a puppy looks at the red ball for the first time.
“Don’t tell me anymore,” he said.
Oh but so hard not to. What I wanted to say was I’m still drunk from last night. I let it be and drove home anyway. When the will to live is low, you drive over bridges so fast.
And I lived through that.
How to forget everything day 6”
grace is the way your bones reset themselves
inside of your chest on the way home from
the police station
and the bail provided by your ex.
“My phone is shattered,” I said aloud to him.
what was more concerning is the way I flinched
when the seatbelt touched me.
the bruise was black and thick
and formed.
it was a little hard to breathe.
“I can’t believe they didn’t take you to the emergency room,”
he shook his head like this was
the first time injustice ever
materialized in my own body in front of him.
I held my broken phone in my lap
and the bag of my belongings,
including my wig..
I had taken it off to show them I had no weapons.
(Tuck it in your cheek.)
“I didn’t want to take the blood test. The German guy said if I refuse the blood test,
I don’t go to the hospital,” I had a very fuzzy idea of the episode.
“I refused to blow in the breathalyzer.
Told them my breath wasn’t strong enough.”
They didn’t take me to the hospital.
I vomited in a metal toilet.
They put me in a special cell alone because I was a suicide risk.
I had muttered something I shouldn’t have as they
let me have a puff of a cigarette
before entering the jail.
(Suicide risk, I wrote on my hand later that night).
They charged me with a hit and run, second dui and
refusing the breathalyzer which is its own crime.
I thought attempted suicide was a crime
but they let me pass out on the toilet’s edge with
broken bones and a head injury smelling my own vomit all night
so I guess justice was served.
And I lived through that.
“How to forget everything day 3”
daturamoon.com 