“Have you told a lie?”
“You’re not supposed to interrupt me.”
“No, I have not told a lie yet.”
about 1/2017
the ardor started at the turn of the year and immediately. I had without any visible sign or warning that this would be the new circuitous trajectory, put my plans for being a student and a doting social worker on hold. I would become very deeply and fanatically obsessed with the occult. to be clear, spending 23 of 24 hours devoted to it and it’s worship, the bedevilment of trying to decode it. the bondage of belief forcing myself to have one belief, just enough to witness the circle of thought, action and the sigils on the door. and to light them. the spoken things. the dreams. the thinking longingly and lovingly about my master Lilith but also quite frightened of her. every night a tense unwinding. guarded.
crystals lining the entire apartment.
floating on epsom
but nervous.
that year was full of blizzards and I spent most of it outside, letting the wind chap my cheeks with her pointed slap. and reciting long verses of rhyme out loud. sometimes smirking but in a way that held me up, not as ostentatious but frantic and to tell others I should be mostly avoided. like a gate between us and them, my mouth loaded and sometimes open. I had begun to bite my tongue between my jaw to get it to stop moving so it poked out, forked and I would talk openly to myself and laugh. almost squeal. it was rare those days if I were sad. not at the turn of the year. I became euphoric, I became energetic and mad.
I felt the earthly parts of me receding, like general discernment, regularity, good habits, water, rest, concern for appearance, friendship, chapstick, any intimacy with another. I suddenly disappeared from all networks; even changing jobs in the middle of it and letting the lighter, flightier parts gain weight and hover on a darkness. I began to examine the motivations of the centipede that would show up in some corners of my tub: observe it’s migration through the house, almost feeling spied on or mocked. but then almost feeling tender towards it. protective.
one of the first visions was of a pig slaughtered in front of my bookshelf.
I didn’t want to know. I made one agreement. what they always say is to be humble, and to be careful what you say.
I will not see my death.
is the phrase I chose.
the dream I chose.
the rule I chose.
we make our own agreements before we walk into
the crypt.
remind them to commit
I will commit.
you can tell me every secret
but you cannot tell me
the story of my last breath,
and when it begins,
two hands cover my
eyes and we commit.
they are enthusiastic
for vessel and agree
wholeheartedly that even
if they have to hide the
gutted life,
they would indeed
smell sweet like
carrots and I gallop.
I sing odes to them.
devote days to them.
I let the centipede
linger wherever she lands.
I don’t root for the cats.
I don’t remove them
from the tub either.
it didn’t feel
like sinking, it felt
like being pulled
down
the whirlpool.
breathing also,
cooing
sending cardinals
to lovers all
the way
just to remind them
there are sweet songs
and there are rules
to this.
“the agreements”
“don’t destroy yourself like those cowards do.”
I use the word inconsequential liberally
to prove point and express myself freely
unbound to this ghost.
the thing that has held me back
is my belief in belief and the way others
have shaped that. it is inconsequential
whether or not anyone ever
believes me again.
what I have seen, held,
heard, felt.
those I loved.
I walk into the elevator telling
them I loved them all.
I begin to ask if their
lives got better since I’ve
been gone.
this is humility,
I say.
I don’t think I caused it
I just wished you happy.
I visted Zurgarramurdi for the same reason: children. when I walked into the cave I felt a swarm of small boys. some girls but mostly boys which had me curious. I felt laughter all around and light like I could live here.
I touched the caves water ground anything. I left one stone from paris there. I have the other. it is inconsequential what red jasper stands for. it is a matter of ritual. when I touch the stone, i feel a boy.
im obsessed with our last life. ive been dreaming of a witch my whole life and wrong sometimes but not about this. who put a spell on who is irrelevant and inconsequential to the hole we are in. dig. dig. dig. then just start fucking laughing.
i don’t know who is who or what is what. i surrender that. i write the book instead. once, I met a man in the catacombs of france walked out a pillar and offered me a tour of the slaughtering floor. led myself and two friends to show me where the nuns were murdered. for no apparent reason, he gave us a free private tour of the catacombs. I took five stones from the floor and touched one skull. i was careful with what i touched but not why. There were two little girls became obsessed with me quickly.
ghosts want their stories told. it is inconsequential to me whether it is real or not. it is just what I think.
go back to this, pluto in third house, pluto in scorpio, saturn in scorpio, scorpio in fourth house. watch what you say now.
Fear of betrayal. Sensual and passionate.
Opposition between Pluto – Lilith
She may lead a double life. She may have a secret love affair but the secret doesn’t last, or at the very least there are complications. Otherwise, this aspect can point to scandals whether or not they are real.
Pluto in the 3rd house has the ability to gain intellectual power, and massive reserves of concentration with a penetrating and obsessive mind.
“you are brimming with intensity and possibility. you are a skewer coming from the throat straight to their heart. once more girl, we invite you into this. you don’t have to do anything but sit there. and be careful what you say. ”
its always what you write down, or note. everything usually. i don’t mean to say this but
“A powerful element of curiosity and a searching kind of mind are denoted by Pluto’s tenancy of the third house. Very little will be missed by the individual, despite the characteristic tendency to wear a blank facial expression, especially when in boring company, thereby giving the impression that he or she is totally cut off from the surroundings. In fact, everything that is happening and being said will be noted – almost nothing will have escaped the subject’s attention.”
I keep saying this: nothing means a thing to me. be careful what you believe.
“With North Node opposition Pluto, you have an incredible amount of power, as a result of having weathered some tough storms in the past. Now this power is to be distributed carefully. There is a pact with the higher forces about how the power is to be used, and this should not be for selfish purposes. You are not so concerned with what is happening on the surface as with what is going on beneath it. You can be questioning, curious, and probing, often aware of the underlying motivations behind people’s actions.
However, there is difficulty getting this energy properly harnessed so that it doesn’t work against you. Holding onto memories of some old crisis can make you suspicious so you may become manipulative as a way to stay one-up on others. This could be your greatest undoing. You may have a distracting preoccupation with sex and the sensual side of life. Or, there is an intense fascination with death-with the morbid or strange.
Major circumstances in your past life or early childhood may have caused you to become resourceful, self-reliant and distrustful of authority. You likely question prevailing societal values and remain unaffected by trends. This may ignite much opposition in others and resentment within you. Your desire for transformations, deep thinking and intensity clashes with current social mores. Stop letting opposition to your ideas isolate you.”
and be careful what you say.
“I wasn’t afraid of the bullies and that just made the bullies worse.”
–Fiona apple
It took me years to realize the reading was for the future. It also took me years to console myself about it. It took me years to walk flatly in like this: into the web I made. It took me years. That’s what they said too: this would take years. Time, I cannot wrap my head around time. Now I watch you walking backwards and myself too, dangling. I remember everything. I remember the agreement.
I looked for three things in a partner: power, charisma and the want to kill anyone who tries to hurt me. I’ve been told only twice about someone who would kill for love so I have two shots. This is a brief synopsis about training dogs, or the dream about the wolves. This is the undoing of each one. In no particular order but how I see fit.
First we have the dream, then the mirror, then the shatter, then the walking backwards into the well. then. Then.
I’m always saying then. he’s always saying this will never end. I remember the agreement.
I begin to jot my notes in different languages,
forms, pieces. I have been doing this for years.
I have the lion’s head and the scorpion’s
tail. they never bet on that.
I don’t know why, I begin,
it’s the first thing I show them
but I guess that’s the quill of
seduction, right? the point.
the web.
“power play”
things I bet on: I could get to know a person three seconds flat,
could find the ego and bet they never look at this, bet they say yes,
bet I find each sore: open it, expose it, and also bet they
study my inflection slightly but still
full of self
so never checking on this.
bet I find out more, knowing my
obsessive nature and fixations.
bet I rise like cake.
bet they bet on me and I know better than to
bet on anything that talks.
daturamoon.com 