Category: Uncategorized

dreamt someone was singing “God wants you to enjoy outside pleasures”

it’s Friday night and I am going on a date with a woman. I have only been smoking weed again for two weeks but this feels like a good choice to get high before. two hours before so I can cool off and then walk there. I need the relaxation and something about it really opens me up to channel whatever I find most encompassing about my environment. I feel it like pinpricks everywhere. whatever the mood is. whatever my mood is and then how the environment responds. 

when I show up, the first thing she tells me is my sweater is inside out. I told her I was wearing a dress but got nervous and changed into pants. so I could feel like myself, I added. she asked me how I got here and I said I walked. it takes me about forty five minutes. I loved walking west philly and the river trail equally.  I waited before telling her I was high to gauge if this would offend her. I didn’t have to tell her but I confess. almost on instinct. anything at all. not even pressured.  

we were meeting for ethiopian. I love eating with my hands. I love sharing dishes. there was a coziness to it. and I can eat a lot. it comforts me if we are both really enjoying the meal. I  waited until I sat down to pull off my sweater feeling more comfortable seated and hidden. I was very attracted to her and it’s not that I don’t want to be desired but I am  cloaked. the act of arching my back to pull the sleeve out made me self conscious. I was wearing a black tight undershirt; a low cut long sleeved tee. I sat perfect posture once I got it off. I had combed my hair but worn a hat so I had to keep it on. my boots were also black like my jeans and five inches tall. when I am anxious, I like to intimidate my environment to back up.

 people have revealed to me that the first impression they have of me is that I’m completely unaffected by anything that’s happening.  I am cool in my distance and bulls eyed on something. staid. targeted and without emotion. I can be very engaged and I love laughing, chit chat, being in on it but I am devoid in some other sense.within moments of sitting, I had explained to her that my sweater was inside out because I was nervous and changed and now I’m more nervous because it was inside out and I’m a little high.  I told her I didn’t drink and that I smoked weed before I got here and that I’d only been smoking weed for two weeks since I got sober in AA. I was wearing makeup but I did show a lot of teeth. just laughing at the situation and smiling. also engaged with her process as she began to reveal her history. when I smile in front of someone in a bare face, that means something.  if we were measuring vulnerabilities, some things have more weight then what you say.

I am not armed but just steel.
like I am a steel gate.

I dreamt I slept with xxx again. he told me he didn’t like the way I talked about someone I dated. I told him that wasn’t true. we slept together and tried to start over.

(the rest of the page is just dark lines intersecting everywhere like tree branches or a grid. it takes up two pages. they are fat and thick and black)

11/17/2016

dream I was trying to rescue a child and thought the child was me. kept thinking I’m going into the darkside. my dark side. there was also me confronting a woman rapist who had raped a child. I was crying and telling her I got raped. 

time moves slowly. I have almost no motivation to leave my bed. I am amazed that I am combing my hair. if I do, it is a cause for applause. mostly I am wearing the same black pants and some sweater and the same gray hat. I have not worn makeup in weeks. almost nothing gets done except basic hydration and that is questionable given my like for coffee. I don’t remember eating and hours go by. I usually have a handful of almonds. maybe a clementine. every time I looked at the clock it was 12:12 or 2:12 or someone other derivative. i’m not hungry. i am vapid like a hole in space. 

to do: get toothpaste. 

11/16/2016

“I am a boundary to something else but I don’t know what.”

I dreamt I was assisting with stealing cars. I wanted a green balloon black. a man was holding it. it had the number “8” all over it. I said it was my lucky balloon. my friends were showing me how to steal cars.

sometimes I just flit about  inside in agony like I’m a bunch of tiny bugs trapped inside a skin suit. 

11/14/2016

I’ve been depressed for five days. they say it’s usual plus the weather is rainy. I have my sun lamp out. plus I am cut in half and in pieces and finding identity on my knees like I’m a shattered mosaic. rebuild her into a table. put books on top. my spine feels bent like that. I’ve been walking in circles again. I feel fine is what I will say if anyone asks.

I did a ritual with Lilith shortly before my brother’s birthday. the lights were out anyway and I just needed a meditation, some peace. I recently became attracted to that kind of embodiment. that kind of figure in my life, something towering. almost unresearched I went.  I don’t know what did it. probably all the psychic readings. no one urged me to call her or present any kind of gift to her but. having left AA, there was a big vacuum to fill. a belonging. a longing for understanding and a bigger God then what I was promised there. my loneliness seeks a cult like fanaticism and my obsession has been to disprove most things quite truthfully. I had never considered letting proof hold me.  I had been secretly furtive and devout my whole life but I had a strong predilection for men and what they fed me but I was changing winds. I felt urged to classify my beliefs into systems as well as to have something to throw my entire soul bared at which is when she beckoned. I believe. 

I was ready to dislodge the snake and I began to breathe the way I was taught. to move it up and down. I listened to a recording to help me. I walk into things half blind, not really prepared but also not completely ignorant to the feelings. meditation is hard for me. if I sit for more than five minutes I became ecstatic and orgasmic. men laugh when I tell them that and women nod. it is unbearable to carry the christ inside.  I allowed both of my cats to sit on and near my lap. it felt grounding when it began to have them.   I called her by name and with purpose: to rush through my spine and rip up the snake. as I breathed, tethered to the couch, she tapped me and then she hugged me from behind. twice. then and tonight. 

years later I will say it was hard to leave that house. it was. even though I wanted desperately out. it is hard to leave that house now.  i mean it is hard to look back and not hug it real big for what it did for me. 

in the center of the fire, that is where you will find the heartbeat.

what I remember about anything is the visceral feeling, my chest exploding into a tiny thousand light beams. cracked. like an egg and too early like yolk, embryo. becoming the couch, becoming the carpet. becoming the floor.  being beckoned to stay, sit, let the light move through me until it feels like the sky has entered your sex. 

11/13/2016

My brother is dead.

I like women more than I like men. 

It’s ok to feel pain.

Trump is president. 

11/8/2016

so grateful for the heart
that mews in starvation
and is fed in the same. 

I dedicate tonight to Lilith.

10/31/2016

dream I was with a bunch of people discussing a man and I said “don’t do it. you’ll be disappointed and have mediocre sex the rest of your life.” everyone laughed and invited me to hang out with them and wrote it down. there was something else I said that I thought was more profound but it went away. 

goal: complete paperwork on time.
gratitude: a job, a car, an apartment, my stained glass windows, God. returning. being open. the way it felt when Lilith held me. 

10/25/2016

dream I was watching xxx fight a demon and female ghost. i had left this house and left him to do it on his own. i just abandoned him in this way. 

I prefer not to write my feelings unless I think no one will ever see them. my handwriting is atrocious and barely legible. when I think about this, I become ashamed and also think that no one will ever understand me. writing hurts my hand too because of the straw. I explained to my therapist that I prefer to type because it’s more legible and clean. she thinks the act of writing will be healing. I think that I have arthritis. I don’t know how to explain the straw, my need to grip. my therapist says I have tons of trauma and I am inclined to agree. 

the important thing is that I stop making lists. no, the important thing is that I don’t lie to my journal. also, I would like to make less lists. 

goal: finish SWOP draft
gratitude: my cats. my ability to change. scarves. the beginning of fall. halloween. something intangible I reach for. the reaching.

10/23/2016

dreamt I was walking through a party at 3:30 am and it was sunny. a guy kept offering me weed in front of AA people. felt weird about taking it in front of them and uncertain about what he was talking about. he was from out of town. I don’t remember where. 

 my therapist is the one making me use the journal. I only usually write my dreams. 

I can mention that I cut my own hair again today. just the back. to remove all the length from it. I saved a couple of the locks this time which I had never done. put them near Lilith’s candle. I always feel better after I cut it. 

10/22/2016